Shut Up and Drive
Bernie drives 40 miles to, and then from work through bumper-to-bumper traffic five or sometimes six days a week. He is able to make up for time lost to driving by conducting business talking on his cell phone while he drives to and from work. Sometimes he spends 36 hours in a week commuting, and it is a hardship, as it is for many in this world of freeways, traffic jams, and bluegrass music jams, and has become a serious detriment to Bernie’s career advancement and overall LSQ (Life Satisfaction Quotient). The cell phone has released Bernie, he can work his normal 50 hours a week, plus another 36 getting to and from work, as it can now be productive. And Bernie is very productive. He sells cell phone systems to businesses, so he is easily able to use his experience and success when he gives his sales pitch to prospective buyers. Bernie is very successful, drives a nice new Honda Accord, and lives thirty miles outside of the city, in a development of new upper range homes called Camelot Country Acres. But that’s only thanks to the cell phone he uses to conduct his most successful sales summations, all while driving.
Two weeks ago Bernie was involved in a minor fender-bender traffic accident. Bernie was traveling along I1113 in Poshie County, following the line of cars traveling into the city, nose-to-tail snaking along at a steady 35 miles per hour. When Bernie slowed and stopped as the cars in front had done before, he was struck by a mini-van packed with eight unruly 12 and 13-year-old boys, and driven by a harried soccer mom. Bernie did not panic stop, he was fully aware of the slowing traffic. Mrs. Mini Van, though, resorted to a tried, true, and extremely effective stopping system; she hit the back of Bernie’s Honda, stopping her with no problem. When his car was struck Bernie almost swallowed his Bokia phone when his head hit the headrest. The phone did remove an eyetooth that Bernie was sure to have dental problems with later in life, so the results were not all bad, but he bit his tongue, teeth snapping with the force of a pit bull, releasing a torrent of red crimson blood, gushing into the mouthpiece of the Bokia, shorting out some tiny circuit inside, and terminating the sales call he was engaged with. He had been talking to a client in Japan that was ready to order a system of phones for his worldwide corporation. Bernie had been soliciting this gentleman for over two years and had finally been able to establish a sort of dialog, making use of Bokia’s fine, hand-held, translator phone.
The lady and the kids? They were fine, only a bit banged up, a few cuts, a bruise or three, though the van did lose some teeth in its grill much like Bernie. None of the van fares suffered, and their lives continued as always. Bernie though, lost a tooth, an account, a company phone, as well as a thirty-five hundred dollar bill directed to his insurance company for rear end damage to his Accord. He even lost ten C/Ds in the trunk mounted C/D player that was damaged and could not be opened, swallowing Bernie’s collection of classic sixties rock that he had studiously downloaded on Napster and transferred to C/D.
But Bernie got a ticket for the accident. You see, driving while wrestling with 12-year-old boys is lawful, but selling cell phones while steering is not in New York beginning this year. And Bernie freely admitted, “Yes I was.” That being an answer to the question asked by concerened State Trooper Jeeves, “Were you talking on the phone?”
You see the great state of New York, in their vast wisdom, gained after days of polls and surveys, has outlawed the use of phones while operating a motor vehicle. Brian Kolb, a dissenting Assemblyman in the New York State Assembly said when queried, “We seem to be reacting to polls more than relying on scientific evidence.” But Brian was being interviewed while on his cell phone, and he had yet to experience cell phone induced wrecks.
Another report of entirely dubious origin, tells of a man who is associated with the Friends of Liberty, a grassroots offshoot of the Earth First Gun Owners Association, saying, “If you outlaw phones, then only criminals will call.” The message is clear, but now the government is looking into cell phone records to determine if its citizens are dialing and driving, now known as DAD.
When awakened by reporters, the National Association of Governor’s Highway Safety Representatives cleared their collective throats and replied, “misguided.” The NAGHSR (naygazer) denies any involvement in rational thought, and declines to amend their collective statement.
Bernie sued Mrs. Mini Van, and evidence was procured that said she was surfing the Internet, reading the grocery ads in the newspaper, and pulling on her jeans, all while driving the boys to their soccer match.
Another Assemblyman, Patrick Mannington, said to reporters with his tongue firmly in his mouth,” It’s still legal to use a laptop, read a newspaper, and change pants while driving.” As he turned away from reporters Mr. Mannington failed to negotiate the stairs and tumbled down to the lobby, landing on a news rack at the bottom of the staircase, scattering quarters all over the tiled marble floor.
But there may indeed be good reason for alarm. “Surveys indicate 85 percent of wireless phone owners use them while driving.” And it is common knowledge that 85 percent of anything leaves 15 percent from a solid 100 percent, bringing us to my contention; Americans will answer any poll, and they will dial and drive to their destruction.
Getting to studies, as opposed to the surveys mentioned in the last paragraph, the New England Journal of Medicine says that cell phones are many times used by surviving car accident victims to report accidents, and subsequently response times are quicker in getting emergency crews to accident scenes. They do not, however report survey results for non-surviving accident victim’s calls.
It is said by technology proponents that phones are no more distracting than listening to the radio, eating food, or even gazing at your face in the vanity mirror, and the biggest problem is created when a DAD is fined for cell phone use, and can’t pay his cell phone bill.
The debate rages, aided with fuel brought to he negotiations by press and media hype, the justice system, and other various soothsayers of ill-repute, and it promises to last deep into the night until the proponents, participants, and components fall asleep, closing their collective eyes.
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